Midlife transition – the great unravelling

When I was in the eye of the storm of midlife transition, I couldn't think straight, let alone decide what was for dinner that night. At times, it felt as though I was possessed by a force I couldn't control. I cried a lot, quietly and alone. I constantly felt stressed because I was running a business, and the weight of responsibility sometimes felt so overwhelming I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. My weight was increasing even though I wasn’t eating any more than usual, and my memory became so poor I even sometimes struggled to find the right words to express myself. I felt that no one understood me, that no one cared about me. It might sound dramatic, but it's honestly how I felt. It was only when I discovered Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), and finally found one that worked for me, that I started to regain clarity and control of my life. It was then that the great unravelling began...

The anatomy of a transition – unravelling in motion

As we enter the middle years of our lives, we have already grown and experienced a great deal. From my own personal experience, my view of the world became very different compared to that of my youth. The term ‘midlife crisis’ always puzzled me, because back in my youth, I had absolutely no understanding of what could possibly cause someone to reach a crisis specifically at midlife and at no other time.

For me, this ‘crisis’ was more a slow dawning – a process that started with internal confusion and questioning my choices, both past and present. The term unravelling accurately describes the process that begins when we start reflecting deeply on our life choices. We begin to look back, slowly unravelling the threads of decisions and actions that have led us to where we find ourselves today.

Reflecting on certain times in our lives can be deeply meaningful and valuable. Midlife presents significant milestones such as turning fifty, perimenopause, experiencing an empty nest, and encountering numerous endings and new beginnings. Amid all the noise and distractions, it’s the perfect time to pause, ponder, and acknowledge the profound shifts happening within our internal landscape and think about what's really important and has meaning for us. The Japanese call it Ikigai.

Learning to let go and move on

Midlife is about letting go of who we once were and embracing who we are becoming. One of the most challenging yet transformative experiences can be adjusting to the changes in family dynamics. For parents, the worries that come with parenting can be relentless; it's arguably one of life's toughest jobs. Each child is unique, making it a constant challenge filled with uncertainty because what worked for child no. 1 may not work for child no. 2. 

When we reach midlife, the challenges can be exacerbated. The dinners together each night and family schedules we've revolved around for years suddenly disappear. Our children's priorities, once inseparable from our own, shift dramatically as they step into their own lives, independence and identities. As parents, our worlds have been carefully shaped around them, and when they leave home, we may find ourselves feeling lost, uncertain, and even redundant.

Yet, as we all age, we learn to let go of what we can't control and instead focus on what we can influence. There are times when we can beat ourselves up as parents, feeling we’re not perfect (which we are not and that’s okay) and often believing our parenting skills are lacking. We prioritise our children over ourselves but sometimes that’s maybe not the best thing. Just because we’ve had children doesn’t mean we should no longer matter to ourselves. In fact, I think as parents we owe it to ourselves to be just a little bit selfish, because if we can’t take care of ourselves then how can we take care of others? 

For those of us without children, midlife transitions may revolve more fully around shifts in career and relationships. For any of us, careers that once brought fulfilment and identity can change unpredictably, leaving us feeling disconnected or unfulfilled.

Relationships we valued might begin to feel distant as personal growth creates new gaps. We may find ourselves wondering, "Is this it?" This period of uncertainty invites us to explore deeper self-awareness, rediscover our passions, and redefine what truly matters. Embracing these changes in all aspects of life allows us to move forward with clarity and renewed purpose.

Detachment brings freedom

The moment of detachment when you begin to move forward – though painful – brings with it profound freedom and possibility. You begin to rediscover the person you once were, but now with the added wisdom gained from age and life experience. Your time is yours again. Life, with its chapters defined by puberty, relationships, parenthood, career journeys, and hormonal changes such as perimenopause and menopause, inevitably guides you back to yourself. And while you can't bypass menopause (you’re going to join that club whether you like it or not) this new phase brings opportunities to rediscover and redefine yourself.

Midlife is the perfect time to start making decisions aligned with our values and instincts, prioritising ourselves perhaps for the first time in decades. It’s about creating healthy boundaries, leaving behind jobs or relationships that no longer fulfil us, and allowing ourselves the space to be true to who we are.

In midlife, self-love, self-care, and listening deeply to our intuition become essential practices. It's often uncomfortable to put our needs above those of others, but it's a necessary step towards authentic happiness. This period of life calls for bravery, for stepping into our power and being unapologetically ourselves. Though it might be challenging, aligning ourselves with those closest to us and living according to our deepest values ultimately brings the most joy. 

Reconnecting with friends, becoming part of a community that shares your values, and where you can engage in conversation to bring you joy as well as challenge you, are part of life’s rich offering. But you must make the effort to participate and become involved. Don’t just sit and wait; go out and find your tribe.

Unravelling leads to new beginnings

This midlife journey can become our most rewarding chapter yet, primarily due to the relationship we can cultivate with ourselves by embracing change and opening ourselves to new possibilities. Embrace your hard-earned wisdom, accept support, and forgive yourself for past missteps. Allow yourself to let go of the past so you can fully step into your future.

Remember, the ‘unravelling’ you experience in midlife isn't the end; rather, it's a new beginning. Unravelling might sound negative, but it is often a deeply valuable and transformative stage. It can lead to greater self-awareness, clarity about what truly matters, and informed, intentional decisions about our futures, professionally, personally, or both.

The best part of your life is unfolding, just waiting for you to embrace it. Be kind to yourself, have patience, and trust that this transition will lead you exactly where you need to be. After all, it’s never too late to become the person you were always meant to be.